Among other things, becoming a new father has added a number of interesting components to my vernacular. Since everything in my life is either different or seems different, it only stands to reason that new terminology would accompany this new world. Language itself has taken a turn for the weird. Below is an incomplete listing of the new jargon flying around this house.
- “Throwing good diapers after bad” — these babies have a sense of humor already, because more often than not, they will prank me on the changing table. As soon as I’ve hoisted the feet and wiped (front to back, of course) and place a fresh diaper beneath their butts, they elicit a wet, shitty fart all over the new diaper, look at me and go “You’ve been punk’d! LOL” I think they’re trying to teach me (even more) patience.
- “Miss Mustardpants McGillicuddy” — lifted from my old buddy Jim Stetler. I seem to recall hearing him use the phrase mustardpants a lot when his son was born. Considering my lifestyle back then, it’s a miracle I remember this at all. Breast-fed babies crap a yellow-to-orange, mustard-like substance. So far, it’s odorless, thank god. “McGillicuddy” is usually some random, improvised surname that feels right at that particular moment.
- “She’s tummy timing the shit outta me.” — sometimes the girls dictate when they’re ready for Tummy Time! One will be lying prone on my chest after being burped, or otherwise, and she’ll begin doing pushups and screaming at the top of her lungs. This, apparently, is normal — the screaming. While you’d think something called Tummy Time! would be totally cute and endearing, it’s accompanied by merciless shrieking and wailing. Adorable.
- “It’s just plain old visitor gas.” — see other post. Farting is on the rise, and has never been more fun. For me.
- “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,” “tomato-face” — This is the cry of fury. It’s not a cry of “I’m hungry,” or “I’ve just crapped in my pants,” it’s the cry of “CODE RED EMERGENCY.” Usually this equates to a gas bubble at either end, working its way through the plumbing and is accompanied by a Mussolini-like pumping of the fists, a side to side shaking of the head like a Great White Shark, and no breathing. It comes in two shades, burgundy and purple. It totally freaks the dog out.
- Peekie Pookie, Love Butt, Ms. Moneypenny, Crazy Legs, Crazy Face, Monkey Butt, Nutter Butter, Punkin Head, Baba Booie, Boogie Buns — various affectionated diminutives used, thus far.
- “I swaddled the shit outta her,” “swaddle your FACE off” — swaddling, or otherwise turning a baby into a huge, hand-rolled joint, is the single biggest tool in our toolbox. Nothing pacifies a baby like being bound up such that they can’t windmill themselves into a frenzy. It feels like the womb, like home. The “face” part is in homage to the line “steal your face right off your head,” from the Grateful Dead’s song “He’s Gone.” In this case, it’s the screaming, flailing and general malaise that’s “gone.”
- “Bush Baby,” “She’s all wild eyed,” “She’s totally buggin’ out,” “She’s CRAAAZY” — Althea gets this look on her face. It usually means she’s not going to sleep anytime soon.
