Absurd
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Grocery Store Outing
Posted on June 17th, 2008 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Florida Living, Friends, Rant, Weird Nights Out, Youtube.
The wife’s pregnant, and she needs milk for breakfast in the morning. We’re out of milk. It’s 9:30, Sweetbay’s not closed yet. I’m off.
The first thing I head for’s the milk, because I know where it is. I rarely shop in this grocery store. I’m usually at the dirt Publix three blocks from the house because it’s closer. But, they’re closed by 9 and Sweetbay’s open, so I’m in a strange grocery store with a mission to find some nonstandard items.
On my way to the milk, I see Edy’s Grand ice cream is on crazy sale, two for seven bucks. Lunatic flavors, too… Coconut Pineapple? Cherry Chocolate Chip, red velvet style? Shit. (more…)
The Most Exciting Entertainer On Planet Earth
Posted on March 3rd, 2007 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Amazing Shit.
Happy New Year
Posted on December 31st, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Amazing Shit, Chris' Stuff.
Internet Magic 8 Ball Correctly Predicts Future
Posted on December 19th, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Amazing Shit, Chris' Stuff, Magic 8 Balls, News.
I clicked the Magic 8 Ball on my Google homepage just now, after asking it a series of questions. My network connection was up the whole time, so I know this wasn’t a fluke. After as many questions as I asked it, the answer was shown, in an unprecedented and indisputable way, that I will, in my lifetime:
- Become a truly rockin’ guitarist, and meet bandmates and have as much fun as possible as garage band kings…
- Successfully negotiate a hostage crisis using only a candy bar as collateral…
- Run for Mayor of a small and relatively unknown Third World country (and win)…
- Will see pigs fly, some people get what they deserve, and epiphany, all on the same day…
- Enjoy the fruits of my labors…
- Defy the odds by winning the largest lottery winnings in Florida history…
- Freak out some stranger, completely by accident somehow, and they will respond with “Eeegad!”…
- Decode the human genome…
As proof positive of these things, I’m posting a sanitized screenshot because I just know some of you are reading this.
The Greatest Music. Ever.
Posted on November 29th, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Chris' Stuff, Music.
IMPORTANT
- I have just been signed to perform at Carnegie Hall and a nationally broadcast episode of Austin City Limits.
- My singing defines a new type of sound, previously unknown to man. It features modulations and tonal characteristics thought only to exist in one’s dreams of “the perfect singing voice.”
- I’ll be on Oprah on February 2, Good Morning America on the 3rd, and The Megan Mullally Show on the 10th. Set your DVRs now.
- In honor of a request by Bob Weir to “sit in for Jerry” on their next Dead tour, I’ll be out of the office from March 2nd through September 15th.
- I have a staff of 3 opening fan mail.
- 10 minutes ago, Google’s CEO just called and bid $3.4 million for Gkikas.com. I flatly (but professionally) refused this lowball offer and the attorneys are working on a deal.
- The forthcoming album, working-titled, “Greatest Hit” has presold more copies than the #1 album on the Denmark music charts.
- Since the bullet point before last, I see an email from Paramount with the subject line, “Movie rights.”
- Seriously.
Edit: I found a video that typifies singing slightly better than mine.
MPAA Seeks To Ban Friends From Your House
Posted on November 28th, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Chris' Stuff, News, Rant.
MPAA Lobbying for Home Theater Regulations
by Scott Small - as reported here.
Los Angeles , CA - The MPAA is lobbying congress to push through a new bill that would make unauthorized home theaters illegal. The group feels that all theaters should be sanctioned, whether they be commercial settings or at home.
MPAA head Dan Glickman says this needs to be regulated before things start getting too far out of control, “We didn’t act early enough with the online sharing of our copyrighted content. This time we’re not making the same mistake. We have a right to know what’s showing in a theater.”
Poignant Thought
Posted on September 17th, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Animated, Chris' Stuff.
Bad Joke: Angry Golfing Nun
Posted on September 10th, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Bad Jokes, Chris' Stuff.
A nun approaches Mother Superior and say, “Mother, I must make confession to you. I have used the Lord’s name in vain, and used all manner of foul language.”
“Go on, Sister, tell me what happened,” says Mother Superior.
.
.
Wilford Brimley Moustache Hinders Diabetes Pronunciation
Posted on September 2nd, 2006 by Chris.
Filed under: Absurd, Chris' Stuff, Television.
It has been determined by a non-scientific study, conducted by yours truly, that everyone’s favorite television grandpa, Wilford Brimley, actually does pronounce “diabetes” correctly… with a long E. His awesome handlebar moustache, is the culprit.